INSTEP Magzine

The future: You're wishing that you had never complained about military dictatorship or democratic militancy because under the newly created Taliban Raj, Pakistan has taken a turn towards unknown (especially for musicians, models, designers and actors) territory. Here's a look into the future...

Music:
As music will be officially banned under the regime, the music industry will see the mass exodus of celebrities such as Atif Aslam, Ali Zafar, Roxen, Call and Strings to India. Najam Sheraz will get to stay. Hadiqa Kiyani will become more elusive. The Indian Embassy will become the biggest hub of activity in the former capital city of Islamabad (as the scenic hills of Bajaur will have replaced the scenic Margalla Hills as the country's capital) and these musicians - replete with their baggage and songbooks full of odes to our neighbour - will be seen queuing up en masse for their visas so they can continue to work in the now-forbidden field of music.

Meanwhile, Adnan Sami Khan will make a triumphant return back to Pakistan, since his penchant for wife beating is now given official sanction in his former home country. He says he is thankful for finally resolving his identity crisis: "To be, or not to be, a Pakistani?"
In a groundbreaking move, Salman Ahmed and Ali Azmat will reunite to form Junoon (renaming their band Junooni in accordance with the present regime), with Azmat following in Ahmed's footsteps and permanently moving to the US. The two will be working on an album full of English songs and fighting over vocal credits, as both are convinced that they can sing in English par extraordinaire.

Salman Ahmed will prove his status as the biggest turncoat the music industry has seen and join in on the Taliban brigade. His next novel will be: "From Sufi Rock to Sufi Mohammad".

With the music industry having been wiped out in Pakistan, former musician Junaid Jamshed will become the official spokesperson of the new regime and will often be called upon to demonstrate his vocal talents. Television programming will be dedicated to his shows on the following subjects:

- The Sign: My life as Vital Signs until I got 'The Sign' from the heavens
- The Devil Wears Prada: fashion shows and other shaitani kaam
- Aalim Online: My life as the official spokesperson of the new regime

In yet another groundbreaking move, piracy will also finally be eradicated in Pakistan. The regime will congratulate itself on this feat, joined by Microsoft and American film studios. This remarkable achievement has been made possible by the fact that since all CD stores have been bombed out and all computers have been chained or stoned, there is nothing left to pirate anymore.

Film:
Shoaib Mansoor will be forced to make a version of the award-winning film Khuda Kay Liye. The director's KKL 2 will feature the same story as its predecessor, with a slight twist: the forced imprisonment and marriage of Iman Ali and Fawad Khan joining the war in Afghanistan are portrayed in a positive manner, while the music-making Shaan is portrayed as the villain who has taken asylum in the US from where he releases fake videos of him imprisoned and tortured in Guantanamo Bay. At the award ceremony for KKL 2 - hosted by Zaid Hamid - Shaan and Iman will get into a fight again (they say it's Iman though she's not recognizable in a burqa), much to the dismay of the regime's organizers and journalists who were hoping the two might have finally learned their lesson the second time around.

Fashion:
Contrary to what you might think, the fashion scene will burgeon under the Taliban rule.

This will officially be the end of all "western cuts with eastern sensibilities" but the bigger picture will grow in leaps and bounds. All fashion council wars will come to a long-awaited end as Junaid Jamshed will be appointed Chairperson. He will immediately kick an Islamic Fashion Week into action and ensure that it gets enough media coverage to become the most watched fashion week in the world. It will also mean that all local TV channels will have enough fashion content to run through out the year (even those months where one hears nothing but religious sermons).

Black will be anointed the official colour of the country and the burqa will be given official dress status. The good thing is that a lot of foreign investment and interest will seep in as Swarovski, Gap, Zara's and Mango will all want to bring out exclusive collections. Kate Moss will be designing a burqa collection for Top Shop. One will finally see some street fashion in Pakistan.

Amongst those to benefit most will be Khawar Riaz whose male models will become the spokespersons of the new era. J&S, Aamir Mazhar and even Asimyar Tiwana will prosper too though they will have to limit their events to jalsas at Raiwind, dars and majalis and other religious gatherings. Unfortunately Frieha Altaf will be out of business in Pakistan and she will either move Catwalk to Dubai or she will change it into a marriage bureau. Vinnie will be the first to register.

Telecom operators:
In a crafty move designed to ensure that Pakistanis do not forget the music and lyrics to the jingles ad agencies have created for telecom operators over the years, the jingles for telecom operators will now be set to gunshots - with the sounds of bomb blasts for emphasis.

Café Culture:
All popular coffee shops/cafes that have over the years become hot spots for teenage 'meet and greet' will either shut down or change drastically. Espresso will not allow women after 7 (or any other time of the day for that matter), only hubble bubble smoking will be allowed and coffees will be replaced by kava and Coca Cola by Zam Zam Cola. The music selection will include Junaid Jamshed's Jalwa-e-Jaanan and other artistes who decide to use 'halal' instruments or none at all!

Books:
The following books - A Case of Exploding Bombs, Maps for Lost Taliban, Artillery-Smoke, Swatography, Burnt Valleys, Taliban First, The Drone Eaters, In the Line of Taliban, In the City by the Checkpost, In Other Caves, Other Taliban and A Not-so Reluctant Fundamentalist - will become best sellers in Pakistan.

Extra: Gadgets:
iPods, iPhones and BlackBerrys (all inspiring the evil of on-line chatting) are replaced by walkie-talkies and hand-held radios as the must-have gadgets of the decade. Accessory designers will start designing Swarovski crystal encrusted covers for the walkie-talkies and the proverbial party line of 'my iPod has more space than yours' will be replaced by 'my walkie-talkie is bigger than yours'.

Disclaimer:
While this article is a satirical spoof depicting life in Pakistan if the Taliban to come to power, should an extremist regime of this nature come into power, the consequences could be quite alike the ones portrayed here. One hopes that Pakistan does not have to see such a dark day as this.