The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

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Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

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I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

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This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

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I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

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Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

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Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

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Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

They are actual quotes made in the heat of the moment by

sportsmen, newsreaders, and commentators!

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'

Winston Bennett

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' Greg Norman -- golfer

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing- but none of them serious.' Alan Minter -- boxer

'He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.' Ron Atkinson

'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' Ron Atkinson

'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times at 1500 metres.' David Coleman -- athletics commentator

'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' Metro Radio

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air even longer.' David Acfield -- footballer

'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?' Stuart Hall -- Radio 5 live

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'  Mark Draper -- Aston Villa footballer

'Damien Hirst tends to use everyday objects such as a shark in formaldehyde.' Fashion Commentator -- Radio 4

'Street hockey is great for kids. It's energetic, competitive, and skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the street.' Radio 1 Newsbeat

'Well, you could count them on the fingers of less than one hand...'

Jack Elder -- New Zealand Police Minister

'There are the boys, their balls between their legs.' Amanda -- GMTV

'Ian Mackie is here to prove his back injury is behind him.' Commentator at Spar Athletics

'Azinger is wearing an all black outfit: black jumper, blue trousers, white shoes and a pink 'tea-cosy' hat.' Renton Laidlaw

'They've picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders.' 

Ron Atkinson

Outside a Paris lady's dress shop: Women have fits upstairs.

Outside a small hotel in Vienna: Patrons should feel free to take advantage of the chambermaid.

A sign on the property of Dale Catching in Centerville, Texas USA: KEEP OUT! TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT.

(Survivors will be prosecuted)

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.

Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers: You can always count on us.

Outside a furniture shop: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship.

In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

In an electrical shop: Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you.