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Graffiti
Some more high
class put-downs
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked
like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
--Mark Twain
She is a peacock in everything but beauty. --Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever
they go. --Oscar Wilde
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends. --Oscar Wilde
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. --Louis
Nizer
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't
it.
--Groucho Marx
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. --Billy Wilder
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for
support rather than illumination. --Andrew Lang
Rules for diet
-If you eat something and no one sees you eating it, it
has no calories.
-If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories
in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
-When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if
you don't eat more than they do.
-Food used for medical purposes are never counted, such as
hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
-If you fatten up, everyone else around you also. Then you
look thinner.
-Movie related foods, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,
Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls do not have additional calories
because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of
one's personal fuel.
-Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of
breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
-Foods that have the same colour have the same number of
calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white
chocolate etc.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be
substituted for any other food colour.
Laughs from classroom
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code!
Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand at New York
harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden, miss!
Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights!
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you
weren't the best teacher in the school.
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle
leaves a 0!
What is a forum?
Two-um plus two-um!
What's black and white all over and difficult?
An exam paper!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights!
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