In Your Aangan

A 13-year old girl wrote to Aangan and asked to respond to her through 'In Your Aangan'. She mentioned being sexually abused by her maid once when she was 9 and then again by her driver when she was 11. The driver still abuses her by touching her and telling her that it's normal and that she is short due to avoidance of sexual activities. She mentioned feeling pleasure during the time the driver abuse her but afterwards feels guilty, dirty and ashamed while sitting with family. She is confused about what kind of action she should take in this situation as she thinks the driver does not force her, but at the same time she wants to stop it. She also wants to tell her mother about the driver but is apprehensive that she might get very angry with her.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for writing to Aangan and sharing your feelings of confusion with us. I can understand how difficult this time has been for you and I appreciate you for taking a step forward towards the solution by talking about it. First of all, before talking about your concerns, I would like to assure you that what your maid did to you and what your driver has been doing is NOT your fault. Even if you feel pleasure, it's not your fault. The fault always lies with the older person who knows the difference between right and wrong but still uses children younger and hence weaker than him/her. The driver's assertion that it's normal is absurd and his justification that you are short  because of not doing any sexual activity clearly shows his manipulating strategy; this stupid justification is medically not proved and this activity between a very young girl like you and a much older person like your driver is not normal. He is normalizing it, as he wants to continue doing it, just as most of the abusers do by threatening, bribing or manipulating children. For certain abusive situations, especially in which children experience mixed feelings, this confusion is natural. Remember that your body is responding to touch. Your abuse started around the age where you were entering into adolescence, thus feelings of confusion the abuse evolved are natural. But here, what is most important is your own safety and emotional health. If you want to stop it from happening you can take some measures: start avoiding him so that he doesn't come in contact with you, and be very assertive with him and tell him to stay away from you. I can understand it will be very hard and difficult for you as he has been doing it for a long time now and will also try to manipulate or threaten you. For that I would really like you to try and take your mother or someone older than you into confidence and disclose the abuse to them. You can start talking to your mother generally about the issue and then tell her what the driver has been doing for the past 2 years. It is hard for parents to digest that their child has been sexually abused and the anger and sadness is imminent in such cases, but here it is also important to know that they always want the best for their children. I would encourage you to write again and discuss the possible solutions to your concerns that you can think of right now. Please also share with me how you feel after reading this reply, and also any questions that may come to your mind. Even if you are unable to take an action at the moment, I would encourage you to continue writing to us about how you feel. 

Till we talk again take good care of yourself!

Sincerely,

Aangan Psychologist

For more information or to share personal, incidents related to child sexual abuse call or write to: Aangan-Rozan, P.O. Box 2237, Islamabad. Ph: (051) 7165365 e-mail address: aangan@mail.comsats.net.pk Note: Acquire free copies of the book 'Break the Silence! by just dropping us a line.