These statements, found on patients' charts, were written by various health care professionals including a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

--The skin was moist and dry.

--Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

--She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

--The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

--I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

--The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

--Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

--She is numb from her toes down.

--The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

--While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

--The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

--The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

--Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

--Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

--Patient was alert and unresponsive.

--When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

--She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

--Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

--On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

--The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

--Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

--The patient refused autopsy.

--The patient has no previous history of suicides.

--Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

--Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

--Skin: somewhat pale but present.

--Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

--Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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--The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

--It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

--Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

--Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

--The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

--Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

--Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

--When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

--One of the main causes of dust is dirt.

--A monsoon is a French gentleman.

--Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

* Water vapour gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

* There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

* The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Money matters have never been my cup of tea. I am always at sea while deciding what to do and what not to do with my money. I have always preferred a customary use of it - that is to adorn my wallet - until the day my sister broke into the room with a letter addressed to me. I was surprised since I had no pen friends and had never written a letter as a way of communication being a 21st century youth.

Astonished and curious, I flipped the envelope and read a magazine's name in the place of the sender's name. It then dawned upon me that it was probably a reply to the e-mail I had once sent to that magazine. Wow, I did not know they replied to the e-mails personally. I hastily ripped open the envelope and extracted the piece of paper inside and was bewildered at the sight of it. It was a cheque. An original cheque in my name! It had been granted for an article of mine that was, after a long time, published by the magazine. I jumped up and down throughout the corridor with joy and elation. It was my ever first earning and was extremely unexpected. It was highly welcomed by all my family members. Over whelmed with happiness I never thought of the fact that it was a cheque and to have it deposited, I had no bank account - not even an ID card. Well, I did not mind this either, since the value of this cheque was far more than its amount. So I put it in my file and was happier than ever. Then one day the most unexpected thing occurred. My father, foreseeing some other cheques that I might receive in future (he actually thinks I am a writer. How amusing!) advised me to have a bank account opened. And this proved to be the harbinger of the worst experience that I had.

From that day on, I kept making up my mind about going to a bank since I have always had a strange pressing feeling when I'm within 10 miles of the diameter of a bank's area. Remembering Stephen Leacock's experience, I felt complete sympathy for him. Every time I thought of the bank, my stomach protested loudly and my heart sank. This sickening feeling grew worse the day I entered the bank and glanced at the row of cosy cabins with almost similar looking men in them. Men in off-white shirts and black coats with protruding bellies and glasses slipping off their noses. There was a long counter where people were standing in queues for God knows why and whispering as if they would awake the manager of the bank if they spoke louder. My first instinct was to turn around and get out of this world where I could not relate to anything when finally I saw a girl and thanked God that they had a lady receptionist. The only source of colour in the black and white world of bank, my sister took me to a cabin and helped me submit my form and the required documents. And I thought it was over and I'd be out in a minute, but the officer was in no mood of letting me go easily. He told me that my signature were not identical .He looked at me suspiciously and asked me to sign in front of him, the most idiotic thing to do. I practised my very own signature to confirm that I was the legitimate owner of the account that I wanted to open. Finally he cleared my form, though still a little suspiciously and sent me to have my identity card copied as I did not have an extra copy. Unaware of the bank's layout, I asked different people the way to the photocopiers. I asked him to give me a copy of my card with fumbled words and absolutely wrong grammar. Then I almost ran back and he ordered me to bring a deposit slip, without considering that how would someone as ignorant of bank procedures as me, would know what a deposit slip looked like. So, then again I had to be guided by two different cabins to finally reach the right one and brought a deposit slip. Thank God he filled it in himself and then asked me to submit this slip and money and cheque to the accountant. Then again my adventure started and I had to be guided like a lost passenger to the right queue, and as soon as the accountant handed me over the receipt I ran out of the bank not intending to go there again.