In less than 30 seconds, Nasrin's life fell apart like a house of cards. Yes, this was approximately the time, Ahmed, her husband of 45 years took to break their marriage by uttering the dreaded 'I divorce you' thrice over a petty family squabble.

It had taken her almost 45 years to make her husband's home hers. It had taken five children to make her feel reasonably secure in her married life. She had two married sons and three married daughters.

The 45-year journey was a tough one for her. She had to survive a tyrannical mother-in-law and three sisters-in-law who were the Furies re-incarnated. To compound her problem, she did not conceive for more than a year. There had been abuses and threats of divorce. During that period the taunts of her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law had wounded her heart and her pride.

The arrival of her firstborn, her son, mitigated her sufferings at the hands of her in-laws, as her husband became more supportive. Her second son came a year later, further consolidating her place in her husband's house, and the three daughters after him won her husband completely over to her side. Finally, she was happy.

Her children, according to her late mother, were the binding force that would ensure the permanency of her marriage. This maxim did not hold true in her case and at the age of 64, she became a divorcee.

Needless to say that what took place in a fit of rage was equally painful to her husband. He was immediately contrite, but the damage was done. The family's immediate concern was how to hide it from the rest of the world. There were the in-laws of the married daughters to take into account. Their jibes would be too painful to bear.

Nasrin was lucky to have the support and sympathy of her two daughters-in-law - her own nieces. Her own experience with her mother-in-law had taught her the value of love and compassion. Her daughters-in-law stood by her in this time of crisis.

Ahmed tried to obtain a 'fatwa' from a mufti he knew to see if the damage could be reversed, but since he belonged to the Hanafi sect, this could not be done. "Three divorces," explained Mufti Sahib, "in one sitting are considered three - not one. The divorce is irrevocable."

Not willing to accept the verdict, the distraught husband went to other religious scholars. While most of them stuck to the stance that his divorce was final, a couple of scholars without integrity offered him the devil's alternative - halala.

What is halala?

According to the method of divorce laid out in the Qur'an, a man should give one divorce and wait for a month. In this period, the husband and wife can get together if they want. If they do, it is not necessary to have the nikah again. In case they don't make up after the month elapses, the woman is free to re-marry anyone she wants, including her first husband (with a fresh nikah).

In case the couple reconciles within a month, the husband has two 'talaqs' left in his armoury. The second pronouncement of divorce follows the same pattern, but the third and final divorce is binding. The couple cannot get together unless the wife remarries, fulfils her matrimonial obligations, becomes a widow or ends up getting a divorce without any 'deal'. This procedure is called halala.

Halala law came into effect after the men of that time made a mockery of their power to divorce their wives at will. They would divorce in the morning and reconcile in the evening. To curb this tendency, the procedure for divorce was detailed in the Qur'an. It is noticeable that one divorce has the same power to break a marriage if reconciliation does not occur within a month. Why three at a time then, when even one divorce can terminate the marriage? Obviously, the purpose was to give the couple three chances.

Among halal (permissible) things, divorce is the most repugnant to the Almighty. It has been enjoined on men not to divorce while in rage or while inebriated, but unfortunately it is always done in a fit of rage.

The couple cannot remarry until the ex-wife marries another man to ensure that divorce is not taken lightly. It is argued that this is more of a punishment for women, but this is the law of God. The process is bound to cause emotional turmoil to both the parties.

As is usual, desperate people take desperate measures. They are later willing to do anything to circumvent this punishment or obstruction - whichever way you look at. Halala is used by such couple as a legal stratagem, though it is not permitted by God.

Usually, someone is paid to marry the divorcee and divorce her immediately after the nikah ceremony. They do it by drawing their own conclusion from the following verse of Sura Baqra (2:230):

So if a husband divorces his wife (irrevocably), He cannot, after that, re-marry her until after she has married another husband and he has divorced her. In that case there is no blame on either of them if they re-unite, provided they stay in the boundaries set by Allah. Such are the limits ordained by Allah, which He makes plain to those who understand.

This is exactly what Ahmed did. He approached the imam of a mosque and settled the issue by paying him a certain amount of money. Nasrin underwent the period of iddah and underwent another nikah with Ahmed. However, despite their best efforts the matter could not be hushed up entirely, as the imam could not keep it a secret. The neighbours came to know about this issue, and while some condemned it, there were few who thought the matter was well settled. Nasrin, since deceased, lived on the first floor of the house, and Ahmed on the ground floor.

Nikah halala, as it is called, is used in those countries that recognise triple divorce or Talaq-ul-bidda. The triple talaq was not allowed by our Holy Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). It is important to understand that the word "biddat" itself means disapproval of something the prophet never did or recommended. Caliph Umer legitimised this form of divorce as an emergency measure, and as such it is accepted by a large number of Muslims.

The relevant point here is that a halala cannot be planned in advance, as a nikah between a woman and the second husband with an understanding of a divorce afterwards will not be valid. If she does so, it will be an illegitimate relationship with the second husband and with the first husband also with whom she comes to live after a pre-planned halala. This has been proved by ahadith (sayings of the Holy Prophet (pbuh). The Prophet (pbuh) has cursed both such men who perform Halala and for whom Halala is performed.

When done without premeditation, halala can save families, too. Unlike Nasrin, Seema asked for and got khula from her husband Ahsan. She had serious problems with her in-laws and wanted to separate from them. Her mother-in-law had a strong hold on Ahsan and refused to accept Seema's demand. Fights ensued and their peace of mind was totally destroyed. Her sisters-in-law jumped into the fray to support their mother, which only made the situation worse.

Finally, Seema decided that she had had enough. She even agreed to forsake her rights over her daughters who were respectively three, six and seven years of age. After a year, she married her first cousin who was a widower with four offspring. Things did not work out between the step-mom and step-children. Tensions escalated to such an extent that Seema's second husband ended up divorcing her. Three years after her second marriage, Seema ended up being a divorcee again. This time she did not get any support or sympathy from her parents, who held her responsible for the break-up. It was at this juncture that Seema's best friend contacted her first ex-hubby, who had not re-married. She persuaded Seema and Ahsan to bury the hatchet and re-unite for the sake of her daughters. Ahsan, too, had been coping with the responsibility of raising three daughters single-handedly. His mother and sisters who had been instrumental in his divorce were of no help, and his daughters were even ill treated by them. So, for the sake of his daughters, he agreed.

He got an independent house and married Seema again. They did so in a quiet ceremony. Of course, they caught a lot of flak afterwards from their relatives and friends, but they have learnt their lesson and have been together now for over eight years.

Aliya Tipu has been in the beauty business for the past 22 years now. She learned the basics in hair and make up when she was just 17 from London and since then her journey hasn't stopped. She has done various make up, skin and hair care courses from abroad and recently she was in London to do an advanced colouring and cut course from Tony & Guy. She strongly believes that a refresher course is a must after every six months because the fashion trends are changing so rapidly that a beautician needs to be updated with the latest styles and techniques of hair and make up.

"I have always had a passion for paintings and all kinds of art - anything that involved lots of colours and creativity. I inherited the artistic touch from my father, a businessman by profession, who was a very artistic and creative man. My mother was very organised and from her I learnt how to manage everything."

Aliya is known for her distinct style as she loves to experiment and play with various hues and it is very obvious in her make up too. "When we use a lot of colours it gives a very vibrant and energetic look. The make up should be such that it enhances your features but should look subtle and balanced at the same time. If you are using a number of shades on the eyes it has to be well blended or else it will look disastrous."

According to Aliya, a good make up artist is the one who has thorough knowledge of his/her profession and then having a good aesthetic sense is also very important. A beautician should have the ability to understand the shape and structure of a face. "Before starting the make up I discuss with my client about the kind of look that they want. For example, if a client specifically says that she wants red on the lips I make sure that the shade remains red. But I also have to keep the features and occasion in mind. The face is like a canvas for me where I can paint freely but you have to make sure that you don't go overboard."

About hair colours and dyes Aliya is of the opinion that uncertified beauticians and hair stylists have destroyed the hair of a whole generation due to the use of bad dyes and streaks. She makes sure that she uses good quality products for hair. "If a client is coming to me she is placing her trust in me and by using bad products I don't want to break my client's trust and destroy her hair," she explains.

One can notice a personal touch in Aliya's make up. "I don't believe in hiring a lot of girls for my salon. All my girls are trained and they do other services like manicure, pedicure, facials but when it comes to make up I do it myself. I would like to proudly share that now my daughter Aana has also joined me and will be doing make up."

Aliya believes in using quality make up products as it gives a very smooth finish and one doesn't have to be scared that the make up won't last long enough. "I always purchase my cosmetics from Dubai after every 2-3 months. I personally love Mac cosmetics because the eye shadows and lip colours have so many striking and eye catching shades. I also use L'Oreal and Maybelline cosmetics as they provide a great range of beauty products."

Talking about the latest make up trends Aliya says that anything and everything is in vogue as long as you know how to carry it gracefully. Be careful to lighten the eyes if the lips are dark.

For hair the trend can be either very short or hair of mid-length, but whatever the length, the hair style definitely demands a lot of layers. For hair dyes and streaks mahogany and burgundy are the 'it' colours. Whatever colour you opt for should be blended with the natural hair colour and not appear too striking.

Her idea of beauty is to have a good and clear skin. "If you have smooth skin, you can look good with or without make up. It is essential that you take good care of your skin by having regular facials and using quality products according to your skin type."

Aliya Tipu believes that her hands and her aesthetic sense are her biggest assets. "My salon is like my baby. I have sacrificed a lot to reach to the position I am in now. If an artist is equipped and knows his/her work nothing can stop them to achieve what they want. I really think that there shouldn't be professional jealousy among make up artists. I hope that one day we all will unite and prove ourselves to the world."

Dear Nadine,

I'm a 21-year-old girl studying Finance. My problem is related to this guy I have known for the past seven years. We used to be in school together and were friends. We both have studied further from different institutions but have been in constant contact. We always knew we liked each other and were more than just friends. We gave the whole thing the name of a serious relationship. We've had our ups and downs fighting and everything but eventually we get back to normal after sorting out things. The only issue with him is his temper: it's very difficult to cool him down. When he is angry he says things which are very hurtful and he realises that later and apologises, but now I have become tired of it. Recently, we discussed that our future together was very uncertain and he said it was better to end it up rather than hurting each other later. Even though I have a different opinion regarding this, I agreed. Shouldn't two people at least try to take their relationship to a point where they would consider getting married? If he is actually serious shouldn't he try to make this work? I really miss him and all the time we've spent together but I have decided not to change this decision. Have I made the correct decision?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Getting to learn each other's habits and temperament can help a person decide whether to get married or change tracks due to incompatibility. You have admitted that you are already tired of his outbursts, so in a way it is better that you two had this talk and decided to cool off. You feel that the relationship should have progressed to the point where you would consider getting married, but he is right when he says that it is better to quit now than to hurt each other later. Your reaction and your feelings are understandable and perfectly normal. You liked this guy and were fond of him, so naturally you are missing his company. He is probably feeling the same way. In case you both continue to feel this way, there is no reason why you should not make up. The time that you are spending apart will also tell you whether you both really love each other, or will do better without one another. This might teach your angry young man to control his temper, and make you appreciate him more. So don't fall into depression. Give yourself time to think things out in a cooler frame of mind. After that, if you still feel you want to marry the guy, you can always give it a shot. Best of luck!

Hi Nadine,

I have been reading your advice column off and on for a long time now. I think it's always better to have someone look at your issues and give an unbiased opinion. I am a 35-year-old physician residing in the US for the past eight years. I have been married to a man who went to the same med school as I did, but we are from different ethnic backgrounds.

Mine is an educated upper middle class family. His parents were not so well off or educated but had a good reputation. He is the youngest of ten siblings. He proposed to me a year before we graduated. It was a one sided affair initially, but when my parents accepted his proposal it changed into a two way street. I assumed that since he loved me, nothing else mattered - not even his family's educational background. Soon after my engagement, I got the feeling that his mom was not too happy with this arrangement. She said many humiliating and hurtful things which my mom tolerated for my sake. I got engaged when I was 22 and we got married when I was 28, so he could pursue his career. After a few months I moved to the US. I was treated very badly by his family and the most hurtful thing was my husband never objected to this attitude of his sisters and mother. He even told me on our wedding night that if I wanted to keep him happy, I must keep his family happy. I tried my best to do so and never retaliated or stood up for myself in an effort to keep him happy. I guess that was the biggest mistake of my life. I had never witnessed family politics and therefore was still very naive at the age of 28. He still blamed me for trying to keep him away from his family. We ended up having fights over these issues. My family came to know about it but always said when we'd start a family of our own these issues would settle down. Unfortunately, we never had kids.

Now after all these years of suffering, he is still pathologically attached to his family. He is the only one who is so immature. He got himself in debts in order to help out his family, even though all his brothers are in a much better financial position than him. He drives hundreds of miles just to be with them even if it is only for a few hours. He even told me once that he could leave me but could not live without his family.

Nadine, I understand his obligations to his family, but this is insane. I am not the typical scheming woman who wants to keep her hubby away from her in-laws but there is a limit to everything. I would understand and be happy even if they did 50 per cent of what he does for them, but I am really frustrated because it is one-sided.

I don't really know when this blame game on his part and this craziness will stop. I really am tired of all this. I don't know how long we will go on like this. We still have fights over the same issues like we used to in the early days of our marriage. Now I have given up on him and let him do whatever he wants to do for the most part. I have given up any expectations of decent attitude from his folks. I have done so much for him. I am living thousands of miles away from my loving family. We are living in different states because of his post graduate training, yet I have no moral support from my husband. I am living a lonely life, physically and emotionally. Sometime I feel like ending it all. Please help me and tell me how to maintain my sanity in this situation and how to keep from going crazy.

I am sorry you have to read this boring story but I would really appreciate any kind off advice at all.

Frustrated Soul

Dear Frustrated Soul,

You have had a very tough deal so far. Seven years is a long time to develop understanding with one's spouse but unfortunately it seems that you and your husband are not on the same wavelength. My dear, he is a grown, mature person. If he is bent upon squandering his money on his siblings, you can only caution him to save something for his own old age. You are lucky in the sense that being a physician, you are not dependent upon him financially. You must try to save as much as you can, and if possible get a job in the city where your husband is doing his post grad training, even if it means taking up a less lucrative job. Living apart is not going to help, so you must do all you can to be with him. It is also advisable not to criticise his family; it would work against you, as he seems like a very emotional person. Just be cool and give him all your love and support. Try to undo the damage that has been done due to your feuds about his family. Tell him that you want to start afresh and bury the past squabbles. You are in the US, where he cannot treat you lightly; your rights are such that he cannot treat you badly if you are a legal citizen over there. So, you are not in a weak position. All you need is some patience and forbearance to make things all right. Give your life another chance; it's worth a try. Good luck!

Problems that need a solution?

You can e mail Prof. Nadine Khan at nadinekhan_34@yahoo.com

Note: If you feel you need someone to talk to when you are alone, to share a problem with, or just to get something that has upset or disturbed you off your chest, share it with us.

Admit it girls, we all fancy our celebs. The glitz of their glamorous world attracts us - what they wear, where they shop, where they hangout, what they dream of, their love-interests, their favourite things - we love to get the scoop. Keeping this in mind, from time to time You! is going to share some interesting tete-a-tete with celebrities. This week You! talks to gorgeous actor-cum-model Rubya Chaudhry and takes a look at her likes and dislikes...

How long you have been in modelling?

It's been 5 years.

Who first introduced you into the modelling world?

Arshad Tareen

Which was your first commercial or ramp assignment?

My first ever commercial was for Paktel

What is your best modelling shoot to-date?

There can never be a 'best', there's always room for improvement. There are some pictures that I cherish as favourites though and they're taken by various photographers.

What is your most memorable fashion show to-date?

Fashion Pakistan Week.

How was your experience at the first Fashion Pakistan Week?

It was the best ever! I have great memories of it and hope that it becomes a frequent event.

Your favourite international labels?

I am crazy about clothes so it's unfair to stick to one label. I shop everywhere and anywhere, as long as I can afford it.

Are you crazy about bags? If yes, which is your favourite brand?

I love bags but it's been almost a year since I bought myself a new one. I'm waiting to leave the country to stock up again. I don't have one favourite brand. My preference varies with time.

What do you usually wear in daily life?

These days I'm found in my brown cotton pants, or hot pink jeans. I'm big on comfort when it comes to everyday dressing up. Sometimes I leave the house in tracks and sneakers. When I want to make my mother smile I wear shalwar kameez.

Do you go to gym to keep yourself fit?

Yes I do!

Which is the one cosmetic you cannot do without?

Lip balm is all I need.

When stepping out, do you wear makeup all the time?

When I go to media events I always wear makeup. Other than that, it depends on my mood.

Who is your favourite stylist?

There can't be one! I love Tariq Amin, Akef Ilyas, Angie and Raana Khan.

Which designer's clothes do you always love to wear?

I've been wearing Adnan Pardesy, really appreciate Feha Jamshed's designs and then there are the pioneers like Rizwan Beyg and Maheen Khan.

You like guys who are....

Well behaved.

Your most irritating habit?

The answer to this lies with the people who have to bear with me on a daily basis.

You don't like people who are...

I don't dislike anyone.

You always feel happy in the company of...

My mother and a few friends who are very dear to me.

You are afraid of...

Accidents

Your most valuable possession?

Material value...nothing! (no thieves come knocking at my door, I got nothing!!)

Who do you think are your real competitors?

I see all my fellow and senior models as individuals so there's no question of competition.

Your all time favourite movie?

Casper. It holds nostalgic value.

How do you unwind?

I read or watch a movie.

What's your resolution for the year 2010?

Dr. Shazia Kazi is an experienced Public Health specialist currently working for BCHD as a Senior HIV/AIDS Epidemiologist. She has been involved with the control of infectious diseases for many years. Dr. Kazi, being a medical doctor worked for Community Health Sciences Department, The Aga Khan University Hospital before leaving for United States where she graduated with a Masters Degree in Public Health from Johns Hopkins School of Public Health USA. Dr. Shazia Kazi has over ten years of public health experience in areas of reproductive health, HIV/AIDS & control of acute and chronic diseases. You! got a chance to interview Dr. Kazi regarding the HIV/AIDS risk factors in Pakistan. Here are some of the excerpts...

You! Can you define HIV & AIDS and how it is diagnosed?

Dr. Shazia Kazi: HIV stands for Human Immunodeficiency Virus. HIV is different from most other viruses because it attacks the immune system. The immune system gives our bodies the ability to fight infections. HIV finds and destroys a type of white blood cell (T cells or CD4 cells) that the immune system must have to fight disease.

AIDS (Acquired immune deficiency syndrome) is an infectious disease caused by the HIV virus. As HIV disease persists, it slowly wears down the immune system. As a result, the person with an immunodeficiency disorder will have frequent infections that are generally more severe and last longer than usual. It is considered one of the most critical public health problems in recent history. No vaccine yet is available to prevent HIV infection. At present, all forms of AIDS therapy are focused on improving the quality and length of life for AIDS patients by impeding or lowering the reproduction of the virus. Therefore, a person with AIDS needs to be prevented from infections and diseases that take advantage of the person's weakened immune system.

A blood test is done to confirm whether the person has been infected with HIV. It is diagnosed if the blood test shows the presence of HIV antibodies and is called HIV positive.

You! How HIV virus is transmitted?

Dr. S.K: The virus is not transmitted through day-to-day activities such as shaking hands, hugging, or a casual kiss. You cannot become infected from a toilet seat, drinking fountain, doorknob, dishes, drinking glasses, food, mosquitoes or pets. HIV is primarily found in the blood, semen, or vaginal fluid of an infected person. HIV is transmitted in one of the 4 ways:

n Having sex (anal, vaginal, or oral) with someone infected with HIV

n Sharing needles and syringes with someone infected with HIV

n Being exposed (foetus or infant) to HIV before or during birth or through breast feeding

n Transfusion of blood infected with HIV

You! Since you are working in the field of HIV/AIDS in USA, can you give us the Global perspective of HIV/AIDS affecting women?

Dr. S.K: Socially as well as biologically women are more vulnerable to HIV infection in comparison to men. According to UNAIDS report of 2009, out of 31.3 million adults living with HIV & AIDS worldwide, around half are women and is suggested that 98 per cent of these women live in developing countries like Pakistan. Generally women are at a greater risk of heterosexual transmission of HIV as in many countries women are less likely to negotiate condom use (safe sex practices) and more likely to be subjected to non-consensual sex.

You! What are the risk factors that put women in danger for this disease in Pakistan?

Dr. S.K: Pakistan though with low prevalence rate (0.1%) of HIV/AIDS, is considered to be a country at a high risk of transmission but then even HIV is not seen as a priority in health care. Women are at increased risk of getting infection due to lack of education, awareness, empowerment and economic dependence. In Pakistan, women are often perceived to be at low risk of HIV infection because of monogamous relationships. A great number of women are put at indirect risk as a result of their husband's inappropriate behaviours such as having unprotected sex outside of marriage and injection drug use. Marriage does not always protect a woman from being infected with HIV. In Pakistan the concentrated epidemic is intensifying among injection drug users due to frequent use & reuse of unsterilised needles. Large numbers of women are becoming infected from male IDU partners. In addition inadequate blood screening for HIV, unsafe medical injection practices, unsafe practices among female sex workers and professional donors of blood add to the problem. According to latest UN estimates, on average 27,000 (19,000-42,000) women aged 15 and up are living with HIV in Pakistan.

You! What needs to be changed in your opinion?

South Indian curries and gravies are famous for their taste as well as their healthy appeal. You! has collaborated with the food maestro Lubna Shariff to present a traditional South Indian recipe that is easy to make and is a delight for the taste buds. Happy cooking...Ingredients:

- Meat 1/2 kg

- Coconut powder 3 tbs

- Tamarind water 4 tbs

- Onion 4

- Ginger paste 1 tbs

- Garlic paste 1 tbs

- Oil 4 tbs

- Salt to taste

- Haldi 1/2 tsp

- Fresh coriander as desired

- Green chillies as desired

- Red chillies 1tsp

METHOD:

- Start by washing the meat and then add ginger and garlic paste.

- Keep it aside and fry the onions

- Now add the meat, red chillies, salt, haldi and cook for a while.

- Add coconut powder and let the meat simmer.

- Now put in the tamarind water and leave the meat till it's cooked.