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Graffiti
How to deal with telemarketers
If they want to loan you
money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some
money.
If they start out with,
"How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no
one these days seems to
care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died..."
If they say they're John
Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell
the company's name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been
in business, how many people work there, how they got into that line of work,
are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Cry out in surprise,
"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully,
this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out
where she could know you from.
Say "No", over
and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo,
even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until
they hang up.
If they try to get you to
sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you
can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
After the Telemarketer
gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered,
tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete
stranger.
Tell the Telemarketer you
are busy at the moment and ask him/her to give you his/her HOME phone number
so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say, "I guess you
don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will
agree and you can say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat
everything they say, several times.
Ask them to fax the
information to you, and make up a number.
Insist that the caller is
really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out!
Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
Tell them you are hard of
hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
Tell them to talk VERY
SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
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