My fiancé ignores me

Dear Guru,

I have been engaged to my cousin for eight years now. It was arranged by my parents and they had performed istakhara before accepting the proposal. My fiancé lives in Pakistan while we live abroad. My problem is that my in-laws or fiancé don't show any care for me. An engagement ring was sent to me by my mother-in-law and that was it. She shows affection and care for me only in front of others. I don't ask for a romantic relationship with my fiancé, but we should know each other better. My fiancé says he was not forced to get engaged with me.

Guru, I feel that we don't have anything common. I am the main caretaker in my family as my parents are not well. I am not in a rush to get married as I have to take care of my parents and siblings. I also don't want to take a wrong decision and end up hurting my parents and him. I am so depressed.

Deeply Hurt

Dear Deeply Hurt,

I assume you must be in your 20s as you have mentioned in your letter that you are a working woman. Well, I don't think you should be worried about your fiancé or your in-laws. They seem like decent people to me. You are apprehensive because of their casual attitude towards you. But dear, you need to understand that it's an arranged engagement in which you cannot expect your fiancé to be romantically involved with you. As far as friendship is concerned, you are right there is no harm in being friendly with your fiancé but he looks like a reserved person and maybe he finds it hard to open up with you before marriage. And please don't harbour negative thoughts about your mother-in-law. If she shows affection towards you and praises you in front of others it means she likes you. Don't you think she'd have said negative things about you in front of others if she didn't like you? Maybe your in-laws don't believe in showing affection. Try to see the positive points in your fiancé and in-laws. Don't feel unwanted or hurt. Stay happy and leave the rest to God. Don't think about breaking up your engagement on the excuse of looking after your siblings if your parents feel they can look after them. Good luck!

Three in a row

Hi Guru,

I am a 20-year-old boy doing B–Tech in Mechanical Technology. I have three problems. My first problem is my weak English. All my other class fellows speak good English and it makes me feel inferior. How can I improve my language skills?

My second problem is that I am not interested in my studies anymore. What should I do?

My third problem is the inappropriate behaviour of my seniors. I do a part time job in evening. My seniors put me under unnecessary pressure and I am sick of their bossy attitude. I wish I could overcome all my three problems.

Weak Boy

Dear Weak Boy,

I think all your problems are related to your language problem. If you improve your English, you'll be able to understand your subjects better and show better performance at your work place as well.

To improve your language skills start reading English newspapers and magazines. In your spare time try to watch English programmes to get the right pronunciation. Also, keep a diary with you and note down all the difficult words you come across. It will help you in improving your vocabulary. Lastly, try to talk in English with your friends. You will find it difficult initially and most probably you will be mocked by your friends, but don't give up. Soon you'll overcome all your problems. Good luck!

Signs of maturity

Salaam Guru,

I have a very straightforward question. At which age should parents stop interfering in matters of their kids; when should they stop keeping tabs on what we read, what movies we watch, when we return home etc? Do they ever realise that after 20 no one is a kid?

Waiting Baffled

Dear Waiting Baffled,

You sound too harsh and too irritated. Just calm down. Actually, some parents are over protective for their kids while some deal with their youngsters tactfully. You are absolutely right in saying that no one is a kid after 20, but then adults always feel responsible towards their young ones. So you can't really blame them. As far as the age limit is concerned, all over the world 18 is the age when one is considered an adult and gets his/her ID card and driving license which means he/she is mature enough to deal on his own. Best of luck!