Speak Out
For God's sake, stop all crows!

By Sehar Sheikh

I don't know why it happens to me. The things I dislike the most come my way again and again from all nooks, corners, sides and angles. There was a time when I used to hate hard-boiled eggs; the sight of them would make me feel nauseous, but I'm served boiled eggs sprinkled with salt and garam masala wherever I go. I detested dhoti shalwar and gosh, of course it set 'in' for a whole summer season. I disliked this Auntie Matchmaker, a friend of dear mum, who was always busy trying to 'fix' me with someone 'eligible' at any gathering but to my shock last month she rented a house near ours. And last but not least, I hate nasal crooners to no end but to my misery, everyone around me not only croons but frequently croaks, and that too through the nose instead of the vocal chords.

The most irritating is one of my classmates. He is a die-hard fan of James Blunt, always in search of a few free minutes so that he may pursue his favourite pastime of singing English songs while sitting all alone at the last bench, with absolutely no audience to appreciate or listen to him. While most students leave the classroom as soon as the lecture ends, he stays in and starts causing pain to his lungs and to the eardrums of all who commit the sin of staying in the classroom until the next lecture begins. He even records songs in his hoarse voice and sets them as his ring tone. Seriously, he sings so defectively that sometimes I wish I could bind his mouth with rubber glue. But I am helpless. I go home in the hope to find peace, but that doesn't happen either.

I have two budding bathroom singers lurking around me all the time. Yes, my brother and sister have made my life a living hell with their all-time duos of old Indian classical music. These days they are experimenting with the classic songs of 'Basant Bahar' and 'Baiju Bawra', two of the oldest movies known to me. While we all lament the load-shedding, they actually await it, and as soon as the lights are out, they start torturing my eardrums. That I kick my sister out of my room due to her untimely ragas would be a mere understatement; that my parents would kick both of them out of the house if they don't stop crooning won't be an exaggeration either.

I'm fed up of all out-of-tune singers around me. From my maid to gardener and milkman to the grocery man, everyone just loves to sing. The other day, I found our maid singing, 'ajj kaala jora paa saadi fermesh te, zara paa k samne aa saadi fermesh te". I lost my temper and shouted "shuttt upppp!"

But these are not the only crooners in my life. The captain of this bandwagon of nasal crooners is the famous lover of infamous Preeto, Billo and Majajan, with neighbouring country's bearded hit singer of flop movies being the vice-captain. While the earlier has stopped requesting his lady love, 'a(n) ja(n) ni bai ja(n) cycle te' after it got broken in last ill-actions, the later is still begging his beloved 'jhalak dikhla(n) ja(n)'. I wish his beloved shows that 'jhalak' soon or he will keep on repeating it a hundred times on all means of electronic media.

I have adopted some precautionary measures to save myself from the agony caused by these enemies of mine. I go to the library in the break between the lectures. I don't watch TV until the remote control is under my power so that I may switch the channel if any of the famous crooners appears. I start listening to news on FM Radio on my cell phone as soon as the electricity goes off to avoid the 'taans' and 'raags' of my siblings and I have strictly told my maid to keep her songs to herself and that she would be responsible for any consequences if a stupid song reaches my ears. I hope these steps will work but if they don't, I always have the cotton buds in my purse.