Graffiti
JOKES!

-n Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said, "think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

- After 20 years, two college rivals bumped into each other. "Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?" asked the first.  "Well, I've been on an exercise programme for a few years, and now I run marathons." "That's great!" replied the other man. "And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student? Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit." "That's great!" Came the reply. "Oh, and how about you?" The first man asked. "Have you changed at all?" "Well, yes I have," replied the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be, and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'"

"Well now I just say, 'That's great!'"

Employment Blues

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned

...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so

...they gave me the ax.

I wanted to be a barber, but

...I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just

...didn't have the thyme.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found

...I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I

...didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I

...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I

...couldn't live on my net income.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes; I was fired because I

...wasn't up to it.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was

...no future in it.

So I retired and I found I'm a perfect fit for this job!

Some Quotes

- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

- Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

- Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

- Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.

- The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

- My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Contributed by Shoeb M. Yunas