A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognises that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold 68 cats."

Simple

logic

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled,

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Internet dating

terms men use

40-ish: Over 50 and looking for a 25 year-old

Athletic: Watches a lot of sports on TV

Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

Educated: Will patronise you all the time

Free Spirit: Will bang anything that moves

Good looking: Arrogant

Very good looking: Dumb as a board

Honest: Pathological liar

Huggable: Overweight and hairy like a bear

Likes to cuddle: Insecure mama's boy

Mature: Older than your father

Poet: Wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stall

Sensitive: Cries if you want him to go see a chick flick

Spiritual: Got laid in a cemetery once