Graffiti

Ever heard?

Aeroma - n. The odour emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.

Animalanche: When you kick your stuffed animals in your sleep and they fall all over you or on the floor.

Arachnidiot - n. A person, who, having wandered into an "invisible" spider web, begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

B+ Stampede - n. The attempt by half the classroom to claim the paper with no name on it.

Bazookacidal Tendencies - n. The overwhelming desire of most individuals to reach out and pop the gigantic gum bubble billowing from someone's mouth.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people; it stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Brattled - adj. The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.

Better than average puns

-The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 

-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

-The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.   

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

-Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie. 

-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.   

-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

-A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.   

-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

A backward poet writes inverse. 

-In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

-Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

This will rot more than your teeth

The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'