As the autumn leaves disappear

I look towards my sparkling dear

And I wonder how I could be so lucky

To have a vampire wanting to eat me

Don't get me wrong, he's my prince charming

His appetite for me is only slightly alarming

One day I shall be a vampire, too, you see

And then dearest love won't want to kill me

I believe you don't think my relationship is healthy

But I'm really bored and it sucks to be me

So let me have fun with the vampire who can't sleep

Who stalks me when I'm not looking, he really is deep

Don't think my love for him is untrue

I know you're just jealous because a vampire won't stalk you too

--Bella

(I actually wrote this but let's pretend she did :p)

Well, today is the big day. All you vampire obsessed girls (and oddly enough, some guys, too) know what I'm talking about; yes, Twilight's sequel New Moon is out now. Let me be the first one to congratulate you on waiting this long and let me be the first one to ask, "Why on earth do you like this godforsaken series?" Okay I admit I'm a hypocrite because when I read the books I loved them, too. I felt all giddy and happy and the knight in shining armour seemed like a great idea. But seriously once I looked at the world around me, I woke up and laughed at myself and then hissed at the books.

I know some of you are sitting there shaking your heads and defending this fine piece of 'literature', (which it isn't), but pray tell why you want to believe in a product that will never be available in the market. The book is giving you a standard of affection that as a man you can never produce for a woman and as a girl you probably will never receive. Alright, all of you who are screaming about me not being a believer, please go and drink some water and calm down. Feel any better? Here's why I'm right and you're wrong: you are required to believe in a vampire that 'sparkles'. There is a wide gap in the definitions of fairytale and mythology, look it up, little ones, and believing in both is nonsense. Also, as a rule I don't like any story that has boys that have better skin than mine and when it comes to Edward, forget better skin, the guy shines when he goes out in the day...shines!

Of course, that isn't my only problem with the book or the movie. The characters are deeply flawed in so many ways. The main target audience is girls, teenage girls to be precise. But Twilight has mesemerised women of all ages and gave this weird impractical idea of what a relationship should be like and how people should generally behave about the one they love. And at the end of the day really, what do you take home from the book?

Our heroine needs a life

Bella doesn't have one. Her only real pastime is reading, which is great, but she doesn't actually do anything fun, like ever. So, Edward leaves and she is heartbroken and instead of finding her friends and a life she goes and finds bikes to get an adrenaline rush off. That's understandable because she is hurt, she wants to do something rash, but that's about it on Bella's hobbies. We know that she's smart since she is on an advance science course in school, but when do you ever see Bella doing or saying something smart? She's the stereotypical dumb blonde without the blonde hair that needs to be saved -- saved from the world, saved from the school, saved from other vampires, saved from other mythological creatures, and yes, when the time comes, saved from her laundry machine too! Saved. Constantly. How do you not get annoyed by a girl who always needs saving? Constantly. When a girl reads about Bella and her perfect boyfriend, how do you think she'll act? The very annoying stupid girl who is incapable of telling her toe from her thumb? But hey, at least she does well in school! As a role model for girls, Bella should not just get fired but she should be shot in the head. I suggest picking up a feminist course or two and learning how to live on her own terms.

Let's talk about her great people skills. Am I the only one who noticed how she uses Jacob? She strings him along for the great ride and pulls him in when she needs him and shuts him out when she doesn't. From day one, Jacob is that guy she goes to when Edward is missing. Please note that her later expeditions all take place while Edward is out hunting or doing something else. She never moves an inch away from Edward when he's around her. The only time you see her making an effort with Jacob is when she's got nothing better to do. Jacob is a solution to her being bored! Again. What do we learn here? That it's okay to use your best friend as a substitute for your boyfriend when he's not around. Unfortunately, in the real world you might end up really damaging a person if you play the game that way. And noooooo they will NOT turn into a werewolf and dull the pain!

Prince charming is a control freak

Don't go out at night into the woods it's not safe. Don't do your laundry you might fall in and die. Don't go see your best friend; he might eat you...er...Bella has a funny life and funny problems. However, prince charming is crazy! I hate to give out spoilers, but he even buys a bed she doesn't want so that she can sleep the way he wants her to sleep. A vampire...who doesn't sleep...buys a bed...for a girl...who doesn't want it...and then makes her use it. Awww... I'm sorry I just find it a little creepy. Our A grade Blonde-but-not-really-blonde is treated like a clumsy four-year-old who is going to step out of her house any moment and die. It's all really sweet that Edward cares this much, but maybe he cares too much. His behaviour is obsessive. He watches her while she's sleeping for crying out loud! I understand love and the fact that being a vampire means you have nothing better to do with your time, but how is it healthy if every moment of your life is about making sure someone isn't dead. Oh and here's the kicker, Edward's sister has a premonition that he is the one who will kill Bella, so who is he protecting her from anyway? Forget James because he shows up a lot later in the book. Initially, it's Edward who wants to take a bite out of Bella and kill her.

Psst...in the real world, not only do boys have no intention of stalking the girls they like...they actually have lives too! I know, shocking isn't it? You will be ignored for sports and videogames and he might not reply to every stupid text you send him. That does not mean he does not care. It means he's normal. And ladies if you have a guy who's sitting outside your window and watching you sleep and then telling you how to live every second of your life...you have a problem. You're prince charming needs therapy and if you like this kind of behaviour then you need therapy too...

Best friend cum stalker

Pretty innocent girls don't need one neurotic person to watch over them...they need two! Everyone wants Bella; literally all the boys in the entire town get in a line to see who will end up with Bella on their arm. In the end a 90-year-old vampire, and not a boy, takes the cake. Jacob isn't going to stand down though. How do you compete with a vampire? Turn into a werewolf.! (The upcoming movie has some brilliant computer effects when it comes to the wolfing business, and you folks might want to check it out for that if nothing else). Here's my problem...again. Jacob manipulates Bella. I once again feel the need to restrain my rant as I might end up giving out spoilers here, but Jacob tries breaking up Bella and Edward and the only thing that stops him from hiding under her bed each night is the terrible vampire smell. Like Edward, Jacob enjoys stalking Bella in his free time.

The boy doesn't have an ounce of self respect either. Why on earth would you keep going back to the same girl who has clearly chosen someone else over and over and over and over and over again?! It is not SWEET. It is not CUTE. It is just downright unwholesome. The art of letting go and moving on has not been touched upon in any of the four Twilight books. Whether it's a teenage girl or almost a century old vampire; clingy, needy, obsessive people prevail!

I could go on about the other brilliant characters in the book e.g. Bella's father: perfect example of someone who doesn't want to be a parent. Explain to me how you sleep at night while your kid is in the next room screaming her lungs out because of a nightmare? I think my parents would start screaming in their sleep out of distress if I had nightmares like that (or put a sock in my mouth each night).

The books are not bad if you read them and move on. They make you have fluttery feelings and that's fine as long as you don't want the fluttery feeling to become a continuous one. The problem is that most girls don't let it go. I know many of my friends who are now waiting for 'their' Edward to show up at their doorstep all sparkly and shiny, or they're waiting for their existing human to turn into a vampire and realise his mistakes. I'm sorry kids. but it's just too much work to be that perfect and to care like that about anyone. Your standards are too high if you want someone to come and hang outside your tree and watch you sleep. And it's unhealthy, too. It's a very unrealistic and childish approach to relationships and I feel sorry for the guys who are trying to live up to it and I'd like to smack the girls who crave it.

Your entire life cannot consist of just one relationship. Vampire or werewolf apart, the worst thing that Twilight does is giving the impression that people can sustain themselves on just the fancy of the perfect kiss. There is no such thing. In real life your girl will not be a bumbling idiot and you will not be required to save her from kitchen tools; your guy will not be a loser hanging from your tree, he will have a life which requires that he do something other than just look at you (also in the real world MEN SLEEP).