Dear Angel A,

Thank you for writing to Aangan and sharing your experience.

Being sexually abused is a terrible and painful experience for any child, but the abuse becomes even more difficult to deal with if the abuser is someone close to you -- someone in your family or in a position of authority and whom the whole family trusts. I am glad you have been brave enough to write to us about it.

Unfortunately, many children are victims of child sexual abuse and often abusers are people they know. Children are vulnerable because of their age and powerlessness in front of adults. For a child to say no to an older person is very difficult, especially when he/she is someone the child respects or has a close relationship with. It can also be very confusing as children are often too young to fully understand what is happening and how this can affect them. Therefore, it is important to recognise that you were not to blame in any way. The fact that it was difficult for you to disclose the abuse to your mother is very understandable. Being a close and helpful relative, your uncle had earned respect in the eyes of your family members, which for you as a child to break would have been very difficult. It must be a very difficult and confusing period for you, because on one hand he was helping and looking after your family and on the other hand, he abused you repeatedly.

It was very brave of you to tell your mother about it. The fact that your mother did not believe you initially must have been very discouraging for you. Unfortunately, because of the taboo associated with this issue, a lot of people in our society do not want to hear or talk about it and find it difficult to accept that it can happen, especially if the abuser is from their family. We are proud of your courage and determination to talk about it even though it was difficult. It must have taken a lot of effort on your mother's part to go against the family, too, even if her support came later than you would have liked.

Sexual abuse affects people differently, depending on the age when the abuse happened, its type and frequency, the relationship to the abuser, the kind of support the victim received, etc. A lot of survivors of sexual abuse experience these 'low' moods and begin to question life. At these times it can be difficult to see things from different perspectives, to see solutions and life may seems worthless at times. But just because you feel this way, does not mean this is true. Reality and feelings do not always match. Your life is valuable and you are a valuable and brave person who deserves better. The reason you are feeling this way is because you have been hurt and made to feel bad about yourself and about your life. Your abuser has made you feel this way. This is the power he has had over you since you were a helpless child. But that was the past and now you know what had happened and how it affected you. Now you can break that power. In fact, you have already started to break it by speaking out. You can break it even further once you start to move on with your life.

There are three strategies I would like to suggest. First, as you have been feeling quite low it would be helpful to have a plan of action to make yourself feel better at these times. Different things work for different people. You could talk to a friend, write about your feelings, read a good book, watch a movie, listen to music, go for a walk, do something creative, etc. You could also build in such things as part of a routine. Healthy routines such as exercise, a fun course, a creative hobby, etc. can all be very helpful. I would like you to make an action plan and share it with us and we can take it from there.

Second, when you feel ready I would like you to write a bit more about your abuse and how you think it has affected you and send it to us. That way we can help you in understanding and dealing with what happened in a better way.

Third, it would help you to think positively. You need to know that you are a precious and worthwhile person who has every right to enjoy life. You need to know that you are now stronger than your abuser and can come out of this. You need to know that none of this was your fault.

We would like you to know that one of the foremost steps towards healing is to talk to someone who supports and listens and we can see that you have already taken that first step by talking to your mother about it and then writing to us. Since you have already started the process of recovery, it may be easier for you to continue. The process through letters is a slow one so we suggest that you try and put as much information as you can in each letter (you can also email us or send us letters which we can respond to you directly and confidentially). But do this when you feel ready. It may be difficult at first, but we would encourage you to try it.

We can understand that at this moment, you must be feeling very lonely, which is very natural. But you are also coping and are making a real effort to come out of this and that is a very positive thing. You have already begun the process of recovery and Aangan will support you in this journey.

Always here for your support,

Aangan psychologist