-I can't come to work because I lost the house keys and I'm locked in.

-Dave can't come to work today because, I, his other personality has taken over and I don't work.

- I have amnesia, who are you? Work? I work?

-I'm not coming to work today. Why not? Because I'm not.

-I'm sorry but my eyes are just in bad shape right now. I just can't see myself coming to work today.

-Sorry boss I can't come to work today because my car's keys grew legs of their own and ran off!

-I'm not sure when I'll be in to work. I am in the shower and the shampoo bottle says, "Lather, rinse, repeat." I might be here for a loooong time.

-I only missed one day but Fred missed four days in a row and you didn't say anything to him!

-I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

-I just wanted to see if you could get along without me, so you would know how valuable I am to you.

-I am sick with the Lack. Lack of ambition.

-I'm calling in sick – of working for your company...!

-I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

--Contributed by Hira Jalal

You never feed me,

Perhaps I'll sleep on your face,

That will show you.

I need a new toy.

Tail of black dog keeps good time.

Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

The rule for today:

Touch my tail, I shred your hand.

New rule tomorrow.

Grace personified,

I leap into the window.

I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then,

Silence, me, a paper bag.

What is so funny?

The mighty hunter,

Returns with gifts of plump birds,

Your foot just squashed one

You're always typing.

Well, let's see how you ignore,

My sitting on your hands.

Small brave carnivores,

Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,

Fear vacuum cleaner.

Want to trim my claws?

Don't even think about it!

My cries will wake dead.

Want to go outside.

Oh, no! Help! I got outside!

Let me back inside!

The humans sleep now,

Every room is dark and cold,

Time for Cup Hockey!

I want to be close,

To you. Can I fit my head,