Cocktail lounge, Norway:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Doctor's office in Rome:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:

Cooles and heates: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

In an Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:

Open seven days a week, and weekends too.

A cemetry in Moscow:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Hotel, Zurich:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

In a Japanese cemetery:

Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

-I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

-You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances were you wouldn't have received anything at all.

-Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

-I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mails will be deleted in the order they were received.

-Thank you for your email.

Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

-Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over..)

-Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in the 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

-Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

-I've run away to join a different circus.

-I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

Wise thoughts on everything Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.