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Friends
for me By
accident …there
was nothing like it Not the
right time maybe By Sarah Sikandar I am not comfortable with the word 'friendship'. I have my reasons. Mainly three -- it reminds me of tacky friendships cards and bands; it sounds like a legal contract, quite like 'marriage', and reminds me of my childhood peers whose favourite word was friendship but they were nothing close to friends. At the risk of sounding narcissistic I now realise that I was my best friend. School and cousins were a nightmare, brothers aggressive and neighbours unimaginative. In short, I never pretended to like anyone. Hence, the loner that was me. If I must 'define' friends... By Saadia Salahuddin A smile, a good handshake, the warmth in a pair of eyes, a helpful attitude attracts everyone but every person has his or her own idea of friendship. I don't know what is choosing a friend because the people I have befriended came close so imperceptibly. Something about 'spontaneous' friends By Usman Ghafoor A word of caution: all this discussion on friendship may cut no ice if you are the happy-go-lucky sort, who has had all the karmic blessings in the world to do all the 'right things at the right time'. Friends just happened to you, right? And you didn't even know when and how. Chances are, you don't care to know, because you are having good fun. I don't consider mere acquaintances as friends By Naila Inayat It is just like sitting in the English Language class and writing an essay on 'My Best Friend' -- and how I never understood this concept. I remember once in school I stood up in the class complaining to my teacher that I won't write this essay unless she changes the topic to 'My Friends'.
Editorial People in this part of the world are wary of the endlessly
special 'days' celebrated all the year round about the most mundane, everyday,
relationships. Mothers', Fathers', Teachers', Valentine's days neatly
sandwiched between Water, Earth, Animal Welfare, Food, Human Rights,
Environment and Children's days. We at TNS share this cynicism in most cases
even though, sometimes, these days come in as handy ideas for our special
reports. Till someone mentioned the Friendship Day to be celebrated on the first Sunday of August every year and we got all excited about it. An abstract concept, we were ready to take it as a challenge and like all challenges it was easier said than written about. It was one idea that everyone had an opinion about. Frankly all of us have friends and, unlike parents or siblings or a mother-in-law of a chosen spouse as someone rightly suggested, these are people we can and do choose. Friends may mean so many different things to so many different people in so many different phases of their lives. We managed to gather an assortment of singles, married, young and old writers who have all contributed their stories -- of what friends mean to them.
Human values make sense only if seen as an instrument of free choice By Sarwat Ali On the face of it, Friendship is easier to explain than other relationships like those based on love but it appears to be a snare. The deeper one gets into the tunnel the more illusive its definition becomes, slipping out of the fingers when solidifying into something more tangible. But certainly it is different from blood relationships
where biological determination is most crucial. You can choose a friend or to
be friends with but you cannot choose your father or brother or cousin. And
even if you happen to marry out of choice you cannot choose your mother in
law. Friendships, too, depend on accidents -- the accident of being with certain boys or girls in class in a school that your parents have chosen for you. And there, as the first awakening to bonding takes place, the accident of sitting together in class or the accident of coming together to school in the same mode of transport is pervasive. So is the accident of being neighbours, getting to know the boys and girls in the same age group in the same block. Probably in college, if one has been to, the friendships are based more on commonality of interests and passions. The element of accident only takes a step back but does not disappear and the element of free choice emerges as a more meaningful variable. It is not merely because one happens to be in the class, same class, that the most important variable lays there, but the fact that the arc of choice becomes bigger. It is the same college but not the same class and as one grows up not even the same college but a whole lot of student body to choose from. The age group becomes a stronger factor in a more visible sense. And then the same factor becomes weaker because the older people, even your own teachers, start to appear to be more relaxed, fallible, more human. It is their interest or the ignition of some interest that they have been responsible for in you that fosters the commonality of interest to create the opportunity of sensing the freedom of friendship. But what common interest can there be for the ordinary types in adolescence and youth than the opposite sex. The killing curiosity if some woman talks to your close friend. The bond is thickened by the desire to know more, the details of what was said and what was reciprocated. Friendship rests on envy if the friend boasts of an imminent conquest. Usually friends hunt in gangs and the success of one, like making a call or exchanging notes, lies in the shadowland of jealousy and the desire to do better next time. And friendships survive on beating you in the race to the best women and the best opportunities. In choosing different walks of life -- of opting for different ways of approaching the reality of existence. It survives rashness, compromises and acrimonious mesh of broken marriages. If really strong it can even survive betrayal. Well what is it that one yearns for, to be heard, to be valued, to be appreciated, to be loved and helped when bleeding upon the thorns of life. Probably the act of betrayal brings back the moments of love, sympathy and warmth that one has forgotten in the rough and gruff of life. Friends can be very close in one phase of life and then drift away. But some moment, some disaster, some untoward happening brings surging back the cultivated years of common interest spent in each other's company. The commonality of interest too is based on the accident of nature -- or does it. But human values make sense only if seen as an instrument of free choice.
Every human wants to share his existence and that's the simplest, most honest fact By Ali Sultan Some like me, who were lonely and shy as kids and had
nothing more than imagination and books as companions, come out guns blazing
and declare that their best friends have always been books. To further such an
argument I have always loved books, films and music (in no particular order)
and though I have, perhaps, spent much more time with them than with human
beings, calling them my best friends would be a somewhat cruel thing to say. All these things are easier, watching a great film in the dark, the screen flickering and causing you to feel the greatest of highs, to read something raw and real and the words just waiting to jump out of the page. To hear a story in a song and being comforted by the fact that someone else has gone through the same experience as you have. But the fact is that all of them are lonely enterprises, experienced in isolation, sometimes just cop-outs to shut out the real world, the real revelation comes at a point when you realise that most of art is actually talking about other people. Every human wants to share their existence and that's the simplest, most honest fact. All the time I was alone reading, watching or listening to stuff, I wanted to share it, and when I did find the people I could share stuff with, be my true self with, there was nothing like it. So here is a glass of plain Coca Cola raised to my friends and to growing up! To Saad in school, for the endless drama of being the crush of two highly emotional girls at the same time! To Kazim, for the first air of nicotine and the race to end up with all Pink Floyd albums known to man! To the first Usman, for becoming the very first friend in the strange world of A-Levels and for playing video games all day when we should have been preparing for a Law exam! To the second Usman, for an education in exotic drug consumption and playing the most demented songs on instruments we had yet to learn! To Basit, for wearing three sets of t-shirts on the hottest day of the year, the craziest rides on cars and motorbikes at night and the hottest chilli soup this side of Indonesia! To Sherry, for being the most understanding, sharing huge amounts of pointless information, for the late night crashes at his always comforting house and for having the coolest parents ever! To Zeeshan, for being the perfect partner in crime, 20-year-old-philosophical rants on the rooftop, graphic novels and movies, strange encounters and early writings, Laurel and Hardy! To Farhan and Danyal, for opening up a whole world of R D Burmans and Madhan Mohans, for the finer points of Eastern classical music and endless discussions over filmmaking and art! For high-octane xanex overdoses and broken hearts, for going through depression with me and coming out of it. And to Amna, who is the best friend I never had and saying that should be enough! Not the right time maybe I will have the same set of friends for as long as I live By Farah Zia I was always looking for friends as far back as I can recall. It was just that I couldn't muster enough courage to extend a hand of friendship to anyone. All my life, it was left for other people to take this initiative. In a way I could never choose my friends. No I was not a loner, only an introvert maybe. But, as I said, I was looking for friends and once I got them, I used to hold on, if not literally cling, to them, and became very possessive about them. I felt really hurt when friends turned their back on me. Looking back, I am surprised how I managed to grab so many of them. But they are all from an age gone by. Some from school, others from college, still others from early professional life. You lose this ability to make new friends after a certain age. Or at least I did. So I will have the same set of friends for as long as I live. That leaves me with ample time to analyse what each of them means to me; only that I can't disclose it truthfully in a newspaper article. What are left are generalisations and while so many of us are busy making them so will I. Someone mentioned the word shallow for some friendships. And it caught my attention because it explained so many things I couldn't find a word for. Excuse me for turning cynical but at my age there is not much room for friendships. Ditto for all my friends who are busy raising children and managing households, careers and PMS's if not menopauses as yet. Therefore, it will only be an exercise in recollecting emotions in a not so tranquil environment. So be it. Talking of recent past, I feel that my friends were not just around for me, never when I needed them the most. Only in some cases I knew they were there, in a rather vague sense. Likewise, caught up in the busy schedules, I was never there for them. Honestly, I am not sure if I needed them really. I didn't see a point in venting out anger -- because that is what fills us up mostly at our age -- at friends. Mothers and sisters take the place of friends in this phase. Ultimately, each one of us has to bear the anger and the sorrows alone. Friends are people you can laugh with. No wonder you make friends at an early age when you want to laugh and you can. I see a lot of older people taking time out for friends, though I hardly see them laughing. In between -- between childhood and old age, I mean -- I have discovered you have to make an effort to meet friends. Like always, my friends take this initiative to get us together but, more often than not, we look at it as a break from our routine lives and that is how it ends up. A shallow meeting between friends… not a very nice idea I know.
School and cousins were a nightmare, brothers aggressive and neighbours unimaginative By Sarah Sikandar I am not comfortable with the word 'friendship'. I have my
reasons. Mainly three -- it reminds me of tacky friendships cards and bands;
it sounds like a legal contract, quite like 'marriage', and reminds me of my
childhood peers whose favourite word was friendship but they were nothing
close to friends. At the risk of sounding narcissistic I now realise that I
was my best friend. School and cousins were a nightmare, brothers aggressive
and neighbours unimaginative. In short, I never pretended to like anyone.
Hence, the loner that was me. My mother wasn't happy with the way things were with her only daughter but gave up on any hopes of me coming out and playing. School was, up until now, the most difficult time. The only friend I now remember was my pre-school friend who had five brothers and whose parents were divorced. She had her own issues to deal with. From junior school to high school I constantly shifted from group friendships to just friends to good friends to enemies until I entered the daunting black gates of college. Life changed and so did my status. I was a popular girl in the class with many friends and even, surprisingly, met a friend who would remain even after ten years. Now, if you were me, that's an achievement. Here I am now. With a considerable number of friends I am confidently over my hermit-like phase. But I haven't been completely successful. I don't think I can ever come to terms with what is now defined as friendship. It is more commercial, café-oriented and superficial than it ever was. It is like painting a child's innocent face with horrid makeup. If I have to meet my friends, I have either to go for coffee or dinner or movie or dress up for a get-together -- to append money one way or the other. A separate budget is required for birthdays, kids' birthdays and weddings -- in short, whatever you are invited to. I can count on my fingers, that'd be one, the friend whom I can meet at any time of the day. My solution: pick and choose the ones you like and ignore the rest. The newest way to friend-a-metre my friendship is Facebook -- who adds me as friend, who comments on my status, who sends me online gifts, hugs, pokes, quizzes, invites. I'll stop here. As if card companies -- with their constant need to 'express', yes express, our friendship -- wasn't enough. Give me a break. As much as I hate definition I loathe the meaning and the desire to know what friendship means -- it doesn't have to mean anything. It is one thing at one time and another thing the other. It shouldn't be defined so that you follow that definition to make it work. It is like outlining a hierarchy of my closest friends -- my mother, brothers, my best friend. Here you have it. But if it was that way I would have to allocate 'time and money' according to their status. Only if life was that simple. Thank you, Lord, it is not! If I must 'define' friends...
By Saadia Salahuddin A smile, a good handshake, the warmth in a pair of eyes, a
helpful attitude attracts everyone but every person has his or her own idea of
friendship. I don't know what is choosing a friend because the people I have
befriended came close so imperceptibly. I have found most of my friends through work. They are there for me and never doubt me. I may not meet them for months. At times a year passes by without actually meeting them in person but the moment we meet, it's like we never parted. We share our dreams, our ideas, aspirations, fears, experiences, observations, can laugh together and relax in each other's company. We have faith in each other's abilities and there is a lot we appreciate in each other. My friends have often helped me see the other side of the coin and certainly helped me get out of many a mental web. An element of respect for each other is always there. For me the moment respect leaves, there is no relationship possible. We share different aspects of our personalities with different people. I will say I have a multitude of friends -- people I came across over the years through work, through travel and from meeting new relatives in the extended family. If I must define 'friends', they are people with whom I have goodwill in common. They rally to my defence the moment I need them, so much so that it's overwhelming. One must keep making new friends because new people add freshness to our lives. It goes without saying that my spouse is the friend who is always there by my side. I can share anything in the world with him because he is the one who understands me the most. Maybe many people can say this about their spouses. There are aspects of me I can share best with my sisters. You can never laugh with anyone like you laugh with a sister. They are also a correcting factor in my life. My children are my friends, too. They love me unconditionally. I am afraid that may change as they grow up. Respecting the other person's privacy is important and I expect the same from people. I never probe into people's personal lives beyond what they share with me and am most happy with those who are in the pursuit of doing good. It may be only self-improvement. Well, defining 'good' is a bit difficult. To say the least, those who establish good practices, establish good culture. George Bernard Shaw said, "It's not having good manners or bad manners but having the same manners for all souls, that is important." The people I call friends have this trait in them. A civil tongue at all times, a generous, warm disposition that makes people comfortable in their presence, extending help wherever they can, is what marks all of them. Well, I have no claims to 'civil tongue' at all times but I cannot help express my unfailing admiration for it.
Something about 'spontaneous' friends By Usman Ghafoor A word of caution: all this discussion on friendship may
cut no ice if you are the happy-go-lucky sort, who has had all the karmic
blessings in the world to do all the 'right things at the right time'. Friends
just happened to you, right? And you didn't even know when and how. Chances
are, you don't care to know, because you are having good fun. I've made such 'chance' friendships, too. And plenty. And some of them I've made at the not-so-usual places thinkable -- in the waiting of a doctor's, at a box-office counter, inside the mosque on a Juma, in a queue outside the passport office, in a concert, and so on. Of course, befriending a strange phone caller (in pre-caller-ID days) had its own fun quotient -- though, of a different kind(!) Call it my nature (or my charm, if you will), but I have usually made friends very easily. And, most of the friendships have worked out very fine and lasted long enough to be called 'true' and 'sincere'. Since I have another issue -- aside from my (weird?) sense of humour -- which is that I like to meet new people, it serves to be one's ebullient self. 'Spontaneous' friendships have often meant getting to meet an interesting variety of people and where you didn't quite expect them to be. For instance, there's the glamorous (and gabby) wife of a film superstar who doesn't live in our neighbourhood but who I've often run into at the superstore next-door. And, the two-minute conversation we usually have is conventionally centred round the showbiz newbees. She seems to have a way with the industry gossip as much as I do. This does the trick. The next moment, we have exchanged our Facebook IDs. Sweet nothings, some might say. But there are times when talking to a friend you meet everyday at workplace or otherwise will not perk you up. It is these little, spontaneous 'friendships' that you have -- maybe on a day-to-day basis -- that can help you blow away the cobwebs most long-term associations get to develop.
I don't consider mere acquaintances as friends
By Naila Inayat It is just like sitting in the English Language class and writing an essay on 'My Best Friend' -- and how I never understood this concept. I remember once in school I stood up in the class complaining to my teacher that I won't write this essay unless she changes the topic to 'My Friends'. What was the result? She didn't change the title convincing
me to write on a few best friends instead. Not a bad idea, I thought, as long
as I didn't have to give explanations to one or the other, we were a group of
three friends and I would never know how to pick-and-choose between the two as
both were equally dear to me. And I knew how it felt when you came to know
that your name wasn't in the Best-Friend list -- though you were promised a
place in the essay, just like the way we pose after voting J. Listen if you are thinking I'm one cold person you are mistaken. I am a friendly person who happens to get along with most of the people. In my school and college days I remember to have a special association with each one of my class fellows. However, I don't consider mere acquaintances as my friends, this word is sacred to me, and I take strong exception when someone calls me a friend unnecessarily. All my student life I have had different sets of friends, in school and in college, and we have seen ups and downs together. And I would always cherish those memories because if it wasn't for my friends who would have enjoyed those tiresome seventeen years of academic life. As a child I used to have two imaginary friends, who were just a substitute to my two friends at school. Because during the summer vacations I would hardly meet them -- we would go to each other's place only once in the vacations. Meerab has been my oldest friend if not the 'best', I know her since nursery and she is one person in my life from whom I never have anything to hide be it my personal problems or anything. Though with her living abroad we have this distance but sometimes I'm amazed by the rapport we still share. Similarly in school and college I had the best set of friends. From tearing Afridi photos from newspaper-stand in school to hiding our annual report cards we have been a bunch of loyal allies. I recall in my Honours my parents opposed my taking up journalism as a major and I decided to succumb but it was one of my friends who became my pillar and convinced me not to give up on my dream. She replaced my test papers with hers so that I wasn't selected in the English major and that is how I didn't get place in the English class. I was already short-listed for Journalism. I guess some things don't come easy! Life wouldn't be the same if I didn't have friends whom I could talk to without any formalities and maybe sometimes take them for granted by throwing tantrums because at the end of the day we all need people around us who could just be there when it matters.
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