Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official. Salman Khan is the new Rajnikanth. Move over, aged Robot, and take that flimsy toupee with you. If 2009’s superhero action-hero flick Wanted wasn’t enough, Salman Khan’s biceps returned to gravity-defying action avatar in Dabangg. Legions of Salman Khan fans must be sighing in relief as to the rustic Zandu Balm the film was [let’s face it, this is no Guzaarish], but those still reeling from a bad Wanted hangover must have avoided this film like the plague.
Well, here’s a thought: don’t. Proudly presenting: the top five reasons you should watch Dabangg.
1. The Plot, or every drama you’ve seen on Star Plus, the ‘70s edition:
 Set in Uttar Pradesh, Dabangg tells the [tired?] tale of Chulbul Pandey aka ‘Bad-Ass Robin Hood’ [Salman Khan], a fearless but corrupt police officer with unorthodox working methods. [Crime, masala, dishum-dishum quota filled right there. Front-benchers, rejoice!] Chulbul has had a bitter childhood. [Oh, duh. I mean, oh, no.] His father passed away when he was very young, after which his mother [Dimple Kapadia] married Prajapati Pandey [Vinod Khanna]. Together, they had a son Makhanchan [Arbaaz Khan] whom pita parmeshwar seems to favour - [hello, step-brother, forever-anguished maa, evil stepfather, it’s the Mumbai noir version of Cinderella! And who doesn’t love Disney?]
Chulbul decides to take control of his destiny and detaches himself from his step-father and half-brother. His sole attachment is his mother. However, after his mother’s demise and an unsuccessful attempt to mend wounds, Chulbul breaks all ties with his step-father and half-brother. Enter Rajo [Sonakshi Sinha], with her unique perspective of life, who turns his life upside down. Chulbul starts to see life more positively and also gets sensitized to the value of a family. But his detractors, especially the dubious Cheddi Singh [Sonu Sood], have their own vested interests and emerge as spokes in the wheels, putting one brother against the other. Makhanchan ends up carrying out an act oblivious to the consequences.
When Makhanchan realizes he has been used, he turns to Chulbul. Will Chulbul take his extended hand? Will the brothers be able to thwart their detractors?’
Will you be able to count the many clichés in that synopsis? Barring the sheer ludicrousness of the plot, which makes 2010’s Vivek Oberoi starrer Prince - It’s Showtime feel like Schindler’s List, the action sequences are kind of brilliant in all their kitsch glory, the dialoguebaazi and dramaybaazi are flat out phenomenal [and unintentionally hilarious, but still], the pace is frenetic - and most importantly, the film never takes itself seriously [like the unfortunate Veer did].
2. Chuck Norris, whoops, I mean, Salman Khan:
 Having watched this film, I can now safely make the following claims:
When Salman Khan looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Salman Khan and Salman Khan.
There is no such thing as Global Warming. It’s all Salman, baby.
The square root of Salman Khan is broken bones.
Salman Khan eats pain for breakfast.
Salman Khan has more testosterone than Lady Gaga.
When Salman Khan goes to sleep, he doesn’t count sheep. He eats them.
The Matrix Trilogy would’ve ended with the first one if only Keanu Reeves had said: ‘I know Salman Khan.’
Salman Khan registered his name as a deadly weapon.
Yoda’s mentor Salman Khan was.
Milk never expires for Salman Khan.
Salman Khan can kill two birds with no stone.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Salman Khan. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Salman Khan doesn’t wear a watch; he decides what time it is.
Salman can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Salman Khan has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Salman Khan frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Seriously, though. Not since the Amitabh Bachchan [of the ‘70s] has an actor been able to epitomize the angry-yet-stoic-young-man; Salman breathes fire into every dialogue the scriptwriter throws his way with gleeful abandon. This is Salman at his most unrestrained; shirt-ripping a la Hulk included in the package. He plays the masses like Mozart. Poor debutant Sonakshi [Shatrughan Sinha’s daughter]. She never really stood a chance in this film. Come to think of it, neither did the rest of the actors.
3. ‘Munni Badnaam’ - the Malaika Factor
Can you say item-number-of-the-year? Though Salman Khan going ghetto on the streets of UP with his real-life sister-in-law Malaika Arora: awkward much? This just in: Munni being threatened by ‘Sheila Ki Shakira-esque Jawani’ [Katrina Kaif in Tees Maar Khan], so watch Malaika strut it out in all her backless choli glory, preferably in HD - before Munni goes from badnaam to benaam.
Oh, and the rest of the score is visually enticing [not to mention, easy on the ears - which is more than I can say about the We Are Family - or The Elvis Presley Massacre soundtrack] as well. Picks: ‘Tere Mast Mast Do Nain’, ‘Hud Hud Dabangg’ and ‘Humka Peeni Hai’. But Munni = 2 kewl.
4. “Hum Yahan Ke Robin Hood Hain. Robin Hood Pandey”: The Dialogues
Sonakshi ne Salman se kaha: “Thapad se darr nahi lagta sahab - par pyaar se lagtaa hai” - the frontbencher throwback to “Kaanton ko murjhaane ka khauf nahi hota” [Mughal-e-Azam]?
“Kamini se yaad aaya….Pandey ji..apki biwi kaisi hai?” - Major LOL moment.
Salman [really, who else?]: “Hum tumri jaan mein itna ched karenge, itna ched karenge ke confuse ho jao gay - ke saans kahan se ley aur paade kahan se” - okay, gross, but classic.
“Police waale ko thokne ka anjaam pata hai kya? Ikkis [21] saal jail aur thukkai alag se... Aur ussi police waale ne agar tumhe thokka, toh promotion alag se aur bahaduri ka medal bhi.” - really sums up the scope and feel of the modern police force, doesn’t it?
Practice your seeti-bajaana-skills, folks. Every scene has a college-campus-quotable.
5. Umm, I’m sorry, do you need a fifth reason?
Action, masala, romanchuk scenes, comedy, isshstunts, melodrama: Dabangg has it all. You want a Bollywood fill for 2010, this movie will suffice. Be warned, though: Dabangg isn’t groundbreaking by any standards, nor will it change your life. Unless it does. In a nutshell: Go. Watch. Dabangg. Now. Who knows, you might be able to prevent the 2012 apocalypse, as predicted by the Mayan calendar.
– Osman Khalid Butt
*CINEMATIC SUICIDE
**FORGETTABLE
***WATCHABLE
****COLLECTIBLE
*****AWARD-WORTHY
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