Cleverly
nestled between an I Hate Luv Storys and Rajneeti trailer was
a 30 second promo on local cable - 'Fasale Bahara Hoon Mai' was
the name of the track, which saw former Femina Miss India Nikita
Anand seducing a frigid [gasp!] Moammar Rana in Bollywood's answer
to Punjabi/Pashto pulp. The English lyrics of the track go something
like this: "Gonna rule me up?/ Wanna take a ride?/ C'mon
let's do it! Take away!/ Ooh waah-ee-yeah! [x4]" I mean,
she ripped his goddamn Rupa banyan off whilst he stoically stared
into the distance à la war veteran. 'Sangdil Sharara' indeed.
Ek Second…Jo Zindagi Badal De was the name of the movie,
and a trip to the local DVD shop revealed the film had released.
Feeling either a) like Indiana Jones, the movie connoisseur equivalent
of, b) Sadomasochistic, c) in the mood for a quick laugh, d) all
of the above, I decided to brave a screening of the rather unknown
[B-movie?] flick.
The Plot, or Gwyneth Paltrow's Sliding Doors meets - gaah, Brain
has Dissolved: Raashi [Manisha Koirala, a shadow of her Dil Se,
Bombay & Khamoshi self], fiancé of hot-shot novelist
Shantanu Roy [Moammar Rana], is a perpetual procrastinator, but
the producers would have us believe she is destiny's child - 'ek
second' late for Roy's book launch, 'ek second' [well, actually
she was an hour late, but oh well] late for important presentation
at office - which gets her fired. Within the first ten minutes,
we're brainwashed into believing 'ek second' can really screw
us over. On her way back, at a metro station, she is unable to
board the train [sound familiar?], and this is where we're taken
on a journey of two parallel universes - the Raashi that managed
to board the train, and catch Roy two-timing her with psychotic
Tamanna [Nikita Anand], and her track thereafter with Yuvraaj
[Jackie Shroff] and Rozza - versus the Raashi that didn't. In
one version, she's extremely successful, in the other, she's shown
struggling with her life. And here's the kicker: the moral of
the story is supposed to be that whatever is written in one's
destiny happens in one way or the other. And don't worry, if you
feel confused, you have an annoying narrator practically spoon-feeding
you the plot throughout.
Background check on director Partho Ghosh revealed masterpieces
of Indian cinema such as Meri Life Mai Uski Wife, Mr. Hot Mr.
Kool, Chetna - The Excitement [?!]', and - wait, Agnisakshi Ghulam-e-Mustafa?
But - those were half-decent movies! The former, a remake of Sleeping
With The Enemy, also featuring Manisha and Jackie Shroff, actually
hit box office gold! Then - what went wrong here?
Actually, that's a no-brainer. The screenplay = shoddy, with most
of the dialogue lifted from Urdu SMS Shayeri/those stalker messages
you get on Facebook. And practically no attention to detail.
First off: Moammar Rana, in the very first scene, is showcased
launching his book 'Destiny - a Journey' at 'Random' Publish House
- the invitation reads RPH Present's 'Destiny.' Umm, you're a
publishing house. It's called spell-check?! Then there's the atrocious
dialogue right at the onset, with Rana's token 'Pakistani' friend
Sam [a horrid, horrid Suniiel Singh] going: "Guzra hua waqt,
nikli hui saansen kabhi wapis nahi aateen. Tujhe nahi lagta Raashi
kuch zyaada hi late karrahi hai?" Yes, yes, we know the film's
about destiny and time and whatnot. Then there was Jackie Shroff's
introduction - Shroff's role in the film is to act as Manisha's
knight in shining armor - "Qismat/Wismat kuch nahi madam.
Fighter apni qismat banata hai. Fighter hamesha jeethta hai!"
Manisha: "Hahaha, thank you, bye." Oh, God. Sparks obviously
fly, as Manisha later recounts to Moammar: "Really, a second
can change life, Shaanu. Aaj mai marte marte bachi hoon. Agar
ek second mai woh ajnabi farishta mujhe aa ke naa bachata.."
Then there was the first song, the aneurysm inducing 'Hota Hai
Har Faisala Ek Second Mai,' featuring Suniiel [dubbed Fat Mithun
from now on] gyrating with a bevy of Malaysian beauties. It's
an assault to the senses, a new low for singer Adnan Sami, and
a great Truth or Dare challenge. I mean, publisher Fat Mithun
moonlighting as cabaret lothario/Jiminy Cricket ['let your conscience
be your guide' and all that]?! Epic fail! Nikita Anand, clearly
with great potential [details later] is wasted in an insipid introduction
as Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction wannabe. "Waisay tumhare
saath ye nahi fuljari kaun hai? [Pointing to Manisha] Koi nayi
fan ya koi nahi murghi?" Moammar: "Nahi ham jald shaadi
karne wale hain." "Oo lucky girl! Blah blah greatest
novelist ne kissi ko apna life-partner banaya, blah blah waisay
to sab bed-partners theen!" *Both giggle like schoolgirls.*
And her Kajol-from-Gupt moment? "Ye Shaanu tumhara itni asaani
se nahi hoga, Jaanu!" I'd shudder if I wasn't, you know,
laughing out so loud.
Poor, poor Moammar Rana. He pitches in earnest expressions throughout
the film, but is once again let down by bizarre dialogue. Sample
this, frustrated by the average response to his novel, he retorts:
"duniya mai kayi log aye jinhon ne apni qismat ko challenge
kiya. Hitler, Napoleon Bonaparte aur Sikandar jese log!"
Then comes the entire sequence where Manisha catches him doing
the nasty with Nikita. Forget gut-wrenching, it was practically
farcical. Moammar screams thrice, introduces other woman to fiancé,
and Nikita goes: "oh forget it! C'mon Shaanu!", later
calling him a 'delicious dish jo ham donon [Nikita and Manisha]
mil ke half half khayen gay.' It'd all be very poignant, if this
were a Rob Schneider comedy.
Later, in the first heated encounter between Fat Mithun and Nikita,
where the former waxes poetic on love using every cliché
in the book, Nikita retorts with these golden words: "my
foot! Pyaar ehsaas zaroor hai, magar mazey ka. Sex ki chaahat
ka!" I could not be making this sh** up. I mean, if "mohabbat
to hawa aur khushboo ki tarhan ek khoobsurat ehsaas hai",
then this movie is the cinematic equivalent of acid indigestion.
Manisha's Back-story, or the Horrid Effects of Global Recession:
"Paanch saal pehle, share market mai heavy loss ki waja se
Mummy Daddy ne apni jaan le li." Grab those tissues, stock
brokers.
Romance and Power Outage: Jackie Shroff: "Arz kiya hai: 'ye
Zindagi tumhe banane nikle, ham bhi kiss qadar deewane nikle,
in andheron mai jiyo gi kab tak, kabhi to shama jalane nikle"
Manisha stares. Manisha goes: "main switch mai problem hai."
Down boy!
Song and Dance? Yes, sir!: Moammar Rana: "Ye shak iss liye
hai na .. kyoonke tumhari maang khaali hai?" Manisha: "Kya
kaha tumne?" Song Cue: 'Kyoon Maang Ye Khaali Hai?'
Moammar gushing over Nikita to Fat Mithun: "Uff! What a girl,
yaar! Kya chooza maal hai!"
Jackie Shroff, as desi personification of The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People, to Manisha: "Iss duniya mai koi cheez impossible
nahi hai. Impossible khud kehta hai: I-M(am)-Possible!" Okay,
that was kind of smart. Oh no, what's wrong with me?!
And this was just the first half of the movie. Alright, playing
devil's advocate, the second half is much stronger, featuring
one epic plot twist [around the 1hr, 38 min mark] I didn't see
coming - I was actually rooting for Moammar Rana, and felt empathy
towards both Manisha and Nikita. The performances turned up several
notches, and felt as though was finally watching a poignant drama
play out. In fact, barring the word 'Destiny' thrown at us for
the umpteenth time, the film actually started taking itself seriously
- right until the penultimate moments. [Yes, there's a happy ending
for both Manishas.] We're left with two morals: "fighter
hamesha jeethta hai" and "cheen-na pyaar nahi hota."
All is well, happy Bollywood ending - wait. OMG, get this. Treatment
for Multiple Depressive Disorder [did I mention Nikita plays an
almost-psycho?] = mohabbat?! Please read: Nikita: "but Sam,
I need treatment!" Sam/Fat Mithun: "tumhara treatment
hai sacha pyaar." Nikita: "mai majboor hoon Sam [she's
leaving forever and ever and ever], mai pagal hoti jaa rahi hoon."
Fat Mithun: "shayad iss pagalpan ka doosra naam pyaar hai."
Gaah! There goes whatever respect I had for the film, flushed
down the toilet. Hey, don't look at me; it was 'Destiny.'
What are you waiting for? Go buy/download the film pronto; cinematic
suicide or not, it's guaranteed to leave you in stitches. Unintentionally,
yes - but fighter hamesha jeethta hai. Wait, that doesn't make
any sense. Well, neither does most of the film.
-- Osman Khalid
Butt
*CINEMATIC
SUICIDE
**FORGETTABLE
***WATCHABLE
****COLLECTIBLE
*****AWARD-WORTHY